June 10, 2015

An Odd Reality of Motherhood

One of the oddest realizations for me when I became a Mother was that I will not be here for his whole life. As I told a friend of mine when my son was only a few months old, there will be a day when I will caress that perfectly placed wisp of hair one last time, there will be breaths that I miss – and that is a heavy reality.

Today, as I pulled into our driveway, a country singer sang about a girl who went home to the house that made her. She needed to remember who she was. To me, it was a story about a girl who didn’t have her Mom and Dad to go to anymore. Perhaps that was the loss she was mourning in returning to her childhood home, to go once more to where those who made her raised her.

It may have been the pregnancy hormones, but the words brought on a real cry. My heart was overwhelmed at the reality of that story. That one day, my boys may wish to go home to this house we are making for them – where we plan to happily raise them into whole people – so they can get back to what made them. And my husband and I may no longer be around to provide that through the arms-that-never-tire landing pad.
Photo from sheknows.com

The verses of that song forecast my future, the future of my boys, when I will no longer be here to soothe them. And that is a big deal for me.

To fully digest, as Mom, that you will miss some of their lives is a big reality to swallow. It is good, I suppose, that it happens gradually. Children grow up and out of your home, go to college, pursue careers, get married, have their own kids – and find great independence outside of you. Perhaps it makes it easier. I won’t know until I get there.

I have friends who have lost both parents already. And that loss has been hard on them. I wonder if it is more difficult on the children or the parent? Maybe it’s an even loss and pain of letting go of someone so precious to you and who you are.

It isn’t a morbid thing, its just part of becoming a parent. Truly, it’s a good thing. To envision and pray for your children to go on beyond you, but that doesn’t make the realization easy.

Baby number two is coming soon for me, so perhaps that is why I’m thinking a little deeper these days. I’ve got one darling doll at home who I adore. In lieu of my unending devotion for him, I still struggle to believe that I have much room for any other beautiful boy. Yet, I do. I’m a Mom. That love has already grown slowly but surely as my excitement (and belly) expands in anticipation of who this one will be.

These days, these breaths are precious with our family members. So, I suppose that is the message: Treasure the time, the here-I-am-with-you memories. For they do, one day, come to a close.